M is for Mummy by Katy Cox

Author:Katy Cox
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atlantic Books

‘Fudging hell! I really didn’t mean to freak him out, Luce. I just saw him eating the dosh and I panicked. So, so sorry. Is he okay?’ says Charlie, still totally flustered.

‘Calm down, love,’ I say, leaning back against the sofa to catch my breath, ‘everyone’s fine.’

‘Why don’t we put them on the radiator? I’m sure they’ll dry out,’ suggests Jen as she kneels down and carefully lifts the soggy notes off the floor. ‘We can always Sellotape the ripped ones.’

Charlie is visibly crippled with guilt. ‘I should have been keeping an eye on him – it’s all my fault.’

‘Seriously, Charls, chill. If anything, it’s kind of a good thing – the kid has finally tried something new. Maybe I’ll add cash and chips to the meal planner from now on.’

Once both boys are settled in bed, I sneakily call Will to ask him to come and collect his fiancée. She and Charlie are both totally hammered and I still need to sterilise Jack’s bottles, fold a pile of washing and pack Stanley’s bag for nursery tomorrow. In short, I have shit to do and I’m not up for an all-nighter.

‘Oh, God. His car,’ Jen shrieks when I inform her that Will is on his way. ‘He’s going to flip!’

From the window, I watch my drunken friends colour in the thick white scratches that run down the side of Will’s beloved Panda with a couple of red Sharpies. When he arrives ten minutes later, they are leaning against the car, cleverly blocking the damaged paintwork. Jen masterfully reaches over to hug him and then dives in for a passionate kiss. The man will never know about his savaged Panda … at least not until morning.

Ed arrives home from his gig just after midnight. Inspired by Jen’s impressive distraction tactics, I greet him by the front door in a different manner to usual (wearing nothing but a leopard-print thong with a metre-long reel of condoms in hand).

And, thanks to the magical powers of another eight-minute-long fudge in the dark, he fails to notice the rows of half-mangled ten- and twenty-pound notes draped over every radiator in the flat.

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